My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
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An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
the last thing a carrot sees
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.