when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
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Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now