GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
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I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset