a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
You Might Also Like
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!