[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
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Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training