God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
You Might Also Like
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
They also CAN sing✌️
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.