People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
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Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Always…
is it earth
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit