Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
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please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper