[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
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Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please