I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
You Might Also Like
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted