Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
You Might Also Like
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I hope this email finds you in a well
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life