Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
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[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”