instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
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Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry