My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
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H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Modded the new Gran Turismo
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS