Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
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“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.