Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
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Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Every work meeting this week
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.