Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
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i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing