“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
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Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Think I pulled my liver
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!