You Might Also Like
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason