getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
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A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
According to math, I’m broke
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.