Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
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Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Sticker placement is key.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.