ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
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wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Skills
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.