Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
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That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I hate when that happens.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.