all bases covered
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*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man