Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
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7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
why am I working on Labor Day
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots