mmm onion ringos
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Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Waiting for the Charmin
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please