me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
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How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Come back with a warrant
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler