The eclipse was like April fools for birds
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my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done