The eclipse was like April fools for birds
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I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
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When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.