*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

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Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.


(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.


“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!


Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.


[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]


Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.


People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.


*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG


Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*