*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
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Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*