*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
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Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
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Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.