date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
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My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys