YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
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me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon