You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
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Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?