Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
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Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
This is a bad sign
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Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?