Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
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A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.