Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
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*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.