*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
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I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire