*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

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My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?


me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?


Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.


“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans


Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.


Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”

Me: ”Yes!”

Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”

Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”


Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*


If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is