@SimplyEffortful My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
@bizzymcgee *Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
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@SimplyEffortful 
@mrjohndarby me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
@Darlainky Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
@Jake_Vig “Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
@UnFitz Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
@PrincesaBallena Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
@pizzajaynow Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
@BradfordPearson The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
@Home_Halfway Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
@ieatanddrink If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is