Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
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Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
eggs benadryl
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
same energy
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.