Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
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All of my best ideas involve jail time.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?