What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
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Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
No laws when master is gone
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today