What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
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“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them