“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
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*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???