You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
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date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Snapes on a plane.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.