I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
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Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Put this video in the Louvre
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.