Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
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People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Something Saturday.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.