Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
You Might Also Like
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30