The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
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Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Huge, if true.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.