I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
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Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket