Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
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You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
damn he’s good
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.