Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
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I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.