Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
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God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.