I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
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Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁