her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
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I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.