Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
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You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*