New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
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When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list